The Kinky Prude

My BFF is Evil

2012-02-13T14:37:00.000-08:00

She gave me a little tutorial on Pinterest while I was there the other night.

Evil.
Evil.
Evil.

Mah-Nam-a-Nah

2012-02-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

I had short humans this weekend, and whenever a tolerably-interesting-across-the-board movie hits the dollar theater I suggest a Sunday afternoon at the movies. Which I did yesterday. And what did I suggest?

Child 'o the '70s that I am... The Muppets.

#1: Meh... I guess so.
#2: Um.No.
#3: Weird. I guess so.
#4: What are Muppets?
#5: Can I have a sliceded apple?

So I ended up only taking #1 and #3 with me. I spent the entire movie laughing at all the things the kids didn't get, #1 walked out of the theater saying it was the funniest thing he'd seen in ages, and #3's pronouncement?

#3: "That.Was.CREPY!"
Me: Wait... creepy? What parts were creepy?
#3: CREEPY!

Ohhhhhhh...kaaaaay. I tried explaining how when I was a kid, there was The Wonderful World of Disney, The Muppet Show, and Little House on the Prairie; cartoons were on for a couple of hours each Saturday morning, and that was IT. They're THE MUPPETS. Muppets are FUNNY.

I feel old.

Not a Fan

2012-02-11T20:46:00.000-08:00

There are two seasons I don't particularly like... Christmas, and Valentines Day.

I know that there's supposed to be some dorky genetic code in me, leading to an obsessive fawning over them, but I think I gave up on liking those holidays about 30 years ago - the same year I realized that there wasn't any Santa Clause, and I got zero cards in my little class Valentines card exchange thing. LOL

As an adult, I struggle at Christmas, just because I do. The damn thing pushes something like 7 out of 10 of my anxiety/stress/worry/expectation buttons. I can trace all of it back to very logical causes, and have come up with coping mechanisms to get me through the season. I've kind of made peace with Christmas.

But Valentines Day just... sucks.

Everyone at work is talking about what they expect their boyfriend/lover/husband to buy them. Men wander in the store looking for the "perfect gift". Dinners, romance, chocolate, flowers, celebrations of love, blahblahblahblahblech.

Granted, I'm of the school that people who love one another should express it all year long, instead of waiting for a specific date on the calendar, so maybe it's my own fault... but none of the men in my life have ever made a big deal out of Valentines Day, even when I was married. No flowers, no jewelry, no lingerie, no chocolates, no dinner dates. It's always been just another day.

It really is just another day, really, but it's wearing on my nerves a bit harder this year.

ETA:

I woke up around 3:00 this morning, and realized one good thing about February... a lot of very meaningful people have wandered into my life the last few Februaries. So [twisted logic], since I'm very thankful for those various peoples, I'm thankful for February. And if I'm thankful for February, I'm thankful for Valentines Day... worn nerves and all.

THANK YOU LINGERIE FAIRIES!

2012-02-03T06:46:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning to a $225 order at LRS, from an incredibly sweet TG from Australia. Which, given that I have $50 in the bank until next payday (a week away), and $150 in bills I wasn't able to cover at the tail end of January... hooray for breathing!

Four slips gone in one fell swoop. Poof! Of course now that I'm actually breathing, it's hitting me how low inventory is getting; I think I'm down to only 25 items in store, and have had one hell of a time sourcing anything the last few months... I need to solve that, or my passive secondary income is going to go "poof!", too.

I briefly considered adding vintage clothing to the shop last week; I spent an afternoon shooting images and everything... but in the end it didn't feel right. It felt like I was spoiling or watering down what LRS is, so I filed the edited images and put the clothing back in the wardrobe. Maybe I'll take a bit of today's sale $ and go on an expotition next week to expand my hunt.

ETA...

The day also ended with a $5,000 sale at work. As in, $5k of lingerie, in one transaction.

*thunk*

Kind +1

2012-02-02T07:49:00.000-08:00

So yesterday morning I was curled up in bed, having that little chat with J.

This morning, I woke up, snuggled down under the covers with the phone to check email, and watched this TED video from my best friend... I wonder if the Universe is trying to tell me something...

Kind

2012-02-01T18:16:00.000-08:00

While laying in bed with J this morning, we had one of those thoughtful sorts of conversations... he's good at those.

Anyway, what it all boiled down to was gentle advice on compassion; more specifically, self-compassion. The interesting thing about the whole conversation, was that in talking I realized how difficult it is for me to do that. Be compassionate towards myself.

"Stop being so hard on yourself" is a pretty common refrain in my life; I don't know how to not be hard on myself. I trust J has reasons for planting the seed... but I'm a little lost on what they are.

It'll be interesting to see what happens next.

I Love

2012-01-30T19:56:00.001-08:00

How every time I start to panic about finances, something on the LRS site sells. It's happened three or four times now. I'll look at the budget, realize I can't cover it all, take a deep breath... and usually within about 72 hours, something sells.

Today it was a slip from the 40s, on it's way to Canada [eh?]; the blessed solution to a slightly overdue water bill.

Hooray for passive secondary income!

Really Tired, Slightly Tipsy, and Extrordinarliy Proud

2012-01-27T20:21:00.000-08:00

[Typed 3/4 the way through a rawther large glass of pinot noir]

So the short ones are in bed, and I'm finally unwinding from a day that started roughly 16 hours ago, and may I just say this is one of those bust-my-buttons [dear God did my kids do that?] kind of mom days?

#1 is [rightfully] grounded from the school library for telling the school librarian she was an idiot

Me: So what's new this week?
#1: I'm sort of grounded from the library.
Me: Um... why?
#1: I sort of told the librarian she was an idiot?
Me: YOU DID WHAT???
#1: I know. I get it. I was wrong for losing my temper, but I'm almost finished with this computer game I've designed from the ground up, and she said some class project took precedence when it came to use of the school computers... You know mom... Me. Forest. Trees.
*cue ginormous lecture for daring to insult a librarian like that*

#2 got a "4" on a piece of writing in her language arts class (on a scale of 1 to 4) , and her teacher printed a copy for her to keep in a writing portfolio.... holy.shit. my 15 year old daughter has talent. Like TALENT talent. I wish I could post it to the blog so everyone could see how complex this little bitty "summer afternoon" story was... I strongly encouraged her to do a bit of editing and enter it in a teen magazine or writing contest of some sort.

#3 said the worst part of her week was making a "B" in both English Lit and Math, but she made up for it by maintaining a 100 in Science. (We've been talking a lot about how 6th grade tends to be the year girls start dumbing themselves down in mathematics/science out of societal pressure to let boys be "smarter".)

#4... ohmygosh #4. He's representing his elementary school in the county wide spelling bee in two weeks. And he told me he didn't even prep or study before the school wide spelling bee or anything!

And #5 (the "Autism Spectrum, Unclassified" one) made it through a whole week without any "X"s on his record, and made a 100% on his last math test all by himself.

I spend so much time worrying [feeling] that I've failed them as a mother, and then days like today happen...

Baggage

2012-01-23T13:22:00.001-08:00

I've been wading and sorting through my matching [monogrammed] vintage alligator luggage since talking to J last week... one of the locks on the train case broke a few weeks ago when [out of town] J ended things.

I normally have such control over that humorous little storage system. It's taken years to figure out exactly how to pack each suitcase; what fits best where, which key works best, how to stack things - the flat trunk on bottom, then the suitcases, weekend bag, train case, all held together by a nice wide leather strap and buckle. But then things shifted a bit, the train case wriggled and fell [breaking the lock], and I'm back to rearranging baggage in preparation for the next trip.

The train case is the smallest bag, but the hardest to pack... which is why it has the strongest lock. Because once that crap falls out, it's a massive pain-in-the-ass to gather everything up, shove it back in the bag, then sit on the damn thing and lock it tight. It's a hard enough job in the first place, but right now I can't even decide how to best go about cleaning up the stupid mess.

The last year brought me a lot of contentment; it was the most content I'd been in a relationship in a long time... I never worried that I was being too much, or too needy, or too clingy, or too demanding or pressure-y or anything. I didn't worry. When I was laying in bed with J the other week, catching him up on things, I was curled up in his arms trying to figure out what the new rules are... am I supposed to be content with seeing him when I see him? Am I supposed to date? Do I need to find another lover? Do we try to see each other more? And why exactly is it that men who think I'm so godfuckingdammed awesome never seem to really.want.me?

[For those paying attention, that last question was the sound of the train case falling off the stack & the lock busting open.]

We have what we have. It won't change. I never expect[ed] it to. His schedule is busy; mine is busy + complicated as hell. We will continue to see one another when we can, and I'm free to date, or take other lovers, or whatever I need or want to do to be happy.

I need more than what I have, but the idea of stumbling into another relationship (much less seeking one out) exhausts me to the point of tears. I need more than what I had for the last year, but to be honest... I'm not sure that exists. But I don't want to go back to being lonely, either.

Stupid lock.

Maybe this time when I finally get everything squished back into that itty bitty train case, I need to just weld the damn thing shut.

Friday

2012-01-20T19:06:00.000-08:00

Some stuff's been happening at work lately... a shift at corporate that has potential to be really good, but has people spooked [because the status quo is changing, and no one knows how yet].

Watching this transitional phase is kinda fascinating... I'm sitting back going "Huh... I like that... ohhh that shows potential... I wonder how X will be handled... well, we'll do the best we can with ___ until we're told otherwise..." I'm looking forward to meeting the new CEO; I suspect we'll get along.

Some people are spending their time complaining about the transition, criticizing things (dude.it's been a week), and bitching about how horrible/slow/awful business is. Jesusfuckingjosepheandmary if you aren't happy here, leave. If you want your sales to increase, do something about it instead of standing around acting like people owe you the favor of their business.

Bah.

I actually left work a little early, just because I was tired of the toxicity. I made French bread yesterday so I treated myself to a dinner of baked brie (with salted caramel apple butter), bread & fruit... and it reminded me of J. I'm trying really hard to just fade away, because it feels like it's what I ought to do; I miss our friendship.

Running

2012-01-19T10:08:00.000-08:00

After a [lazyass] sabbatical, I started my slow slow slow running thing again this week. The first trip out, I only ran 1/4 mile (and walked the other 1 3/4). This morning I ran 7/8ths (in two sections) and walked the other 1 1/8th.

I've also decided Florence + The Machine is about the best damn running music on the planet.

I suspect

2012-01-18T20:21:00.000-08:00

... I might be one of the few women on the planet, who can lay [naked] in bed with one lover, and be held and comforted while expressing a genuine sadness over the loss of my other lover.

It was kinda surreal. Good, but surreal.

Selfish

2012-01-12T15:55:00.000-08:00

Sometimes [often] I wish I lived in a world where I wish the sorts of people who think I'm super-neato-cool, think I super-neato-cool enough not to leave. Because for some weird reason I seem to always attract fabulously cool men, who think I'm equally fabulously cool... until something happens, or there's a fork in the road, or something and suddenly all the neato-coolnesss in the world can't keep things going and they go away.

They go away for perfectly valid reasons that don't take anything away from my super-neato-cool-fabulousness, and I know it's selfish of me... but fuckfuckfuck I hate it.

I hate it every.single.time.

Edit a few hours and 2 glasses of wine later:

Ye gods I sound pitiful... sigh.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!

2012-01-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

I'm doing my hour of work on the whole business idea thing, and sweet.mother.of.lingerie.fairies. I found a local wholesale source for corsets.

Like actual tight lacing corset corsets.

And they're CUTE. Like I've already found half a dozen I WANT TO OWN RIGHT THIS SECOND kind of cute. And if the images are accurate, they're wholesale of corsets I've seen elsewhere for $200+.

Still hyperventilating.

Ch-cha-chaaaaaaaaaaange!

2012-01-02T09:37:00.000-08:00

For some reason every time I thing of change, the tune "Chain of Fools" runs through my head, except instead of the lyrics being "Chain of Fools", they are "CHANGE, YOU FOOL!"

I crack myself up.

Anyway, I've been reading this really interesting book for the last week-ish called Pitch Like a Girl : How a Woman Can be Herself and Still Succeed. About half way through the book is an exercise called "visioneering" - sitting down and writing out your most perfect day ever (including salary/etc), then your worst day ever (including salary/etc), and using the two to suss out where your heart really lies [professionally, possibly personally]. The idea is to find your core business self - what do you need to thrive and succeed?

So I took some time yesterday, and wrote. And wrote. And then when I was done writing, I wrote some more.

The author commented that often the direction women think they will go in (based off that initial ideal day), will end up taking them in newer, bigger, different[er] directions... the purpose of the whole exercise thing is actually to narrow down what one NEEDS in order to thrive. Once the need is determined, it opens up a world of creative opportunities.

I'll write up my "vision" another day, because I do want it to be a permanent, concrete thing that I can look back on whenever necessary (plus it's a kick ass happy day kind of vision), but the whole reason for today's babbly-ness is that I figured out what's important to me -

1) I want to work for myself again
2) I want to utilize my unique talents to become the absolute best in my business
3) I want double what I make now [financially]
4) I am over feeling undervalued and alone
5) I am done dealing with lazy, negative people
6) I want to control my own destiny

I'd already been playing with business ideas to get back on my own again (LRS, primarily), but the overhead/uncertainty of it has felt really overwhelming... but the more I wrote yesterday, the stronger my focus became.

And holy.shit. am I focused right now. LOL

I've cobbled together the list of things that make me happy, where I can see myself excelling, where I know I will thrive. Phase two of the exercise was "what are you willing to give up to do it?"

I'm willing to work on my hand. Like actually do the daily nerve glide exercises that I've been a baby about, because I can't be my best with the current levels of pain I have [in my life].

I'm willing to put an hour a day [3x a week, to start] into building this concept into something successful... I did my first hour this morning.

CHANGE FOOL! CHANGE!

*

2011-12-31T15:49:00.001-08:00

I'm having one of those world's worst mother kind of days.

Stress through the roof, impatient, headachey, yelled at the kids twice, can't seem to focus, stupid stupid stupid world's worst mother.

With stupidness.

Long Week

2011-12-30T20:34:00.001-08:00

Highlights Reel:

* The Girls loved their room
*The Boys loved their presents
* Work is still frustrating the hell out of me
* I'm done with draft #2 of the resume
* Only a gazillion more to go
* J was in town... that relationship is evolving, which means change
* I moved over $8k out the door this week [for the first time in over a month]
* I'm exhausted
* I had an interesting new platonic date-thing one night that was both relaxing and fun
* There's an opportunity to move into management [several hours south]
* I can't decide if that [the opportunity] would fix my frustrations, or simply postpone/multiply them
* I've done the evolve/change thing before [and saved a friendship]; I can do it again
* J's on his annual pilgrimage through Big Bend
* Being a grown up occasionally sucks ass [in the not fun way]
* Wise counsel [and wine] sound pretty damn good right about now

Blessings

2011-12-22T16:08:00.000-08:00

I got to spend the morning with J today, and came home thinking [yet again] how unbelievably lucky I am to have both of those men in my life. Like what did I do right to deserve this kind of lucky, lucky.

I was telling him a story about a client this morning - she took a few minutes to catch up and ask me what was new, and I mentioned The Men™. After the whole "Wait... there's two of them?" reaction, she asked how we met [my standard personals ad/writers forum response], and what did they do [architect/builder]. And the client goes "Really? What kind of houses? My husband and I are starting to think about our next home..." [Oh he builds whatever the architect tells him to, which means if you want to work with J, first you need an architect. He's that kind of builder. LOL]

So I'm telling the story this morning and J says - first she needs the architect. Give her J's name before/when you give her mine; we might as well both benefit from the networking you do. ;-)

When I mention J who doesn't live here to J [who does live here], he's always supportive and encouraging of that relationship.

When I talk to J [who doesn't live here], he always asks about J/checks in to make sure I'm feeling loved, happy and safe.

I have these two men in my life who genuinely care about me. They are both wise, and supportive, and loving, and actually believe in me. They accept [and enjoy] the odd little parts of me that need to be used and (in some ways) hurt in order to feel desired, but none of it negates their respect and admiration for who I am *as a whole*. I get pep talks, and snuggles, and advice, and love, and friendship, and fabulously kinky/rough sex... and all I have to do to earn it, is be me.

I used to think this sort of thing [genuine love] just wasn't meant for someone like me. Each of them [individually; separately], are beginning to change that.

Who knew?

(I also left J's house, stopping off at ½ Price Books on the way home... the man owns so.many.freaking.cool.books. So... yeah... a dozen new books on the nightstand tonight.)

Santa Suit Ain't Red This Year

2011-12-21T20:28:00.000-08:00

... it's purple.

I gave myself a painfully small budget with which to accomplish Christmas this year... like $35 per child [max]. One of The Men™ got homemade yumminess from the kitchen; the other i'm not saying because he reads the blog. ;-)

Historically, I've tried to always do three gifts per child; theory being, that if three gifts was good enough for God, three gifts should be good enough for them. Somewhere along the line I got it into my odd odd little mind that more than three gifts took away from the actual historic purpose of Christmas, so that's what I've always done. Which is amusing, given that I'm agnostic bordering on atheist, and every Christian I know has spent the last 2 months obsessing over the hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars they are spending on Christmas this year.

Anyway!

Between stress, and finances, and anxiety issues, and budgets, and Grinch-ness, I decided this year that I wasn't going to kill myself over Christmas. I didn't even get a tree. We decorated cookies and made gingerbread houses and stuff, and saw The Boy's production of A Christmas Carol... but Christmas [stress]? Nope. I set a budget and found something for each of the boys that I hope they'll like, and when I couldn't find something interesting enough for the girls, I decided to go non-traditional.

The girls have been talking about decorating their room for the last year. They check out decorating books from the library, and bring home paint chips when we go to the store, and talk about the decorating shows they watch on TV all the time. They really really really want a pretty teen/pre-teen boys-will-shrivel-up-and-die-from-the-cuteness room.

Really.

Over the last few months we narrowed the "theme" down to gypsy/bohemian/artist loft/purple; I've been secretly searching blogs, thrift stores and drawing up sketches for weeks.

Their room started out looking like this:

Image from the doorway

Image from the corner

Aaaaaaand now it looks like this:

Image from the doorway

Image from the corner

The walls are some horrible vomit of purpleness called "Royal Orchid" or something like that (dear.god.the purple.); the tree was done with nails and a 1# skein of cheap brown acrylic yarn. The girls can either do artwork for the frames, or I'll have some family pictures printed. The cork boards and Chinese lanterns came from thrift stores; the frames from the dollar store; I made the tissue paper pompoms while drinking wine and watching Cowboys & Aliens. (I'm telling you - Friday nights around here are CRAZY. C R A Z Y I tell you!) I'd still like to find new comforters for their beds, but that would put me over budget; I'm still waffling on that. It doesn't seem fair to go over budget for the girls, when I stayed on budget for the boys...

(Because yes, I did all that glorious purpleness of creative woowoo magic up there for a grand total of $68. I believe this is where the phrase "boo-yah" gets used.)

Oops

2011-12-19T11:38:00.001-08:00

I got the most random-est email yesterday - someone sent an email with two bathroom mirror pictures of themselves, the title "How are you?" and the text - I have strep.

What.The.Bloody.'Eff?

Initially, I thought it was spam, or a phishing email, but on a whim I decided to do an email search to see if I'd ever gotten anything from that email address before. Which, it turned out, I had. Some guy I'd corresponded with via email for a month or six weeks... like 18+ months ago. I still can't remember how I made his acquaintance, but I think [assuming I'm connecting the dots correctly] we met once for bagels & explicit conversation, which did lead to (IMO) painfully boring sex. Like the "Thanks for the romp; lets not do that again" kind of boring.

Of course, me being me, I sent a reply of "Um... this is terribly embarrassing, but who are you, exactly?" prior to realizing it might have been a previous one-night-stand type person from the long distant past.

Oops.

The Kinky Prude... bringing holiday cheer and crushing male egos since 2008.

[I'm really really really ready for the holidays to be over and done with... December is never a pleasant month for me, and I'm ready to go back to being less anxiety-riddled. :-\ ]

Boredom

2011-12-15T21:08:00.000-08:00

I finished updating my resume this week; both of The Men™ have been strongly urging me to do so for a couple of months now... I need to remember to ask them if they'll critique it. Anyway - at the moment it's being reviewed by a friend who has always been a good resource for the whole sales/business/mentory thing.

It feels like a teensy bit of the limbo-ness of life is resolved... but not really. Because if the resume is good to go, that means the next step is the scary stuff - like exploring options and change and shit.

*shudder*

But then I remind myself that change really is inevitable. And every time I've done a whole huge scary change type thing, it's been for the better.And how loverly it would be to spend 8 hours someplace, and NOT listen to people whine about being bored, or how little $$ they make (when they make $3/hr base higher than myself), or complain that there's nothing to do... especially when while they're whining/stressing/complaining, I'm unpacking and steaming over 250 pieces of inventory, re-labeling 2 cases of bottled water for customers, setting out/arranging holiday cookies for guests, selling $1,000 of stock, touching base with 1/2 dozen clients, switching out two 6' tall banners (by myself), and doing dressing room sweeps to keep things tidy.

Very few things on earth set my teeth on edge more than grown adults whining about how BORED they are, especially when they have the luxury to be BORED on someone else's dime. Because every time someone bitches about being BORED, I'm already elbows deep in a project I have created/taken the initiative to do, with a list of a dozen [or more] things that need to be done during down times to keep things running smoothly. If things are so damn BORING, then why am I so freaking busy?

Oh yeah - and the idea I had to build referrals off my steady repeat client base? The one that would have built a "tree" of referrals/new business and not only not cost them a dime of advertising, but less in gift cards/freebies than they're currently giving out, monthly? That was nixed.

Change change change...

*sigh*

I hate change.

And the stupid weather didn't cooperate.

That

2011-12-06T21:12:00.000-08:00

Was a very... interesting afternoon.

As usual, I came home a mushy little puddle of goo, and spent the evening snuggled up on the couch in my favorite jammies, (smelling him on my skin every time I shifted), watching chick flicks, drinking wine and eating Chinese food... but I digress.

I think I might be a kink snob.

A prickly, sensitive, prudent little kink snob. Because loose plans were made (that I was totally open to) with the understanding that it would be a very "play it by ear" sort of afternoon, and all it took was one presumptuous comment and my boundaries were locked tight. I willingly followed through on exactly what I said I was open to, and nothing more. Which, I am happy to say, J made a point of thanking me for, afterward. But it made me wonder - I want him to have his pleasure, and a lot of my pleasure really does come from the things he finds arousing... but twice now I've put either hard or soft brakes on certain events. Not because I'm opposed to the event, itself, but because it doesn't feel right. Or the aesthetics aren't clicking. Of someone else does/says something that flips the "Dude. Seriously?" button in my brain and suddenly I can't/won't do X, thinking they're a total joke to me. And I don't do jack with people I think are a joke. (It must be the librarian in me...)

We have such a unique friendship. I don't have to worry about being "enough this" or "enough that". I am encouraged to always speak my mind; to be myself. There isn't any judgment there. It feels very cliche to say he's a comfortingly safe spot for me to land... but he's such a comfortingly safe spot for me to land.

So. Yeah. ABC parts were fun and hot and great and I got to have a very snuggly, yummy, sexual peas 'n carrots sort of day, but the XYZ parts that left me setting boundaries? That part I feel creating minor mental hiccups. (The silly, emo-girl part of me that starts spinning around "that was kinda rude and selfish of me..." "but I've always said I'd do whatever J asks, but when he asked I said I wasn't comfortable doing that. Which means he asked, and I sort of said no, which means on some level I won't actually do whatever he asks." *cue brain implosion* Anybody wanna adopt an emo-girl? I'll let her go cheap and she doesn't eat much!)

But for now I need to go take a shower, wash him off my skin, tuck myself in bed, and prepare myself for tomorrow's realities.

Ranty Rant Rant

2011-12-05T11:31:00.000-08:00

I love playing with vintage again, but I was reminded this morning of my great and glorious dislike of USPS. When I lived in Memphis, I used to take freshly baked cookies to the postal workers once a month, to ensure the level of service I desired. I don't think even cookies could fix this.

I needed to ship two packages this morning from vintage sales that came in over the weekend. One was going to the North East; the other to British Columbia, Canada. The BC client paid by Canadian Postal Money Order [in US Dollars]. It took [B]45 minutes[/B].

Issue # 1 -

The woman at the counter when I arrived (who apparently has an eBay business and comes in with 10+ packages *daily), had a huge stack of boxes - each of which need to be labeled, metered, stamped, and set aside. She filled out forms after reaching the counter, and asked about shipping costs/decided how to ship each package, individually. For the love of Pete! All of that could be managed from home with a $15 postal scale and a printer!

Issue # 2- There was one clerk at the window. ONE. With a line out the door. The other person there would pop his head out of the office every 5-10 minutes and ask if anyone was there to pick up packages [no], then go back to his office.

Issue # 3 - When I got up to the window, I had all my forms filled out, and said I wanted the USA package to be sent First Class. The clerk rang up that package, then chose the cheapest method of shipment for the Canadian package, without consulting me. I corrected her, asked it to be shipped Priority, and she got huffy with me for not saying so earlier. (At this point I'd been in line for 30 minutes, with only 4 people ahead of me - three of which were only there to buy stamps.)

She corrects the postage, and I explain I have a Canadian Postal Money Order - would it be possible to pay with that and simply get the change back? More attitude. More suspiciousness. More Huffing. I point out there is an agreement between USPS and Canada re: postal money orders, and that it is in US dollars; it cashes exactly like a US Postal Money Order. She snaps at me for telling her her job.

She calls the office guy out to ask how to deal with it.

The office guy calls someone at another post office to ask how to deal with it.

I explain [again] it's a Postal Money Order - it cashes like any other Postal Money Order.

More attitude and grumbling about [I]my [/I]rudeness, because what I don't seem to understand is that I'm asking them to deal with foreign currency and the post office doesn't do that. [It's a fucking CANADIAN POSTAL MONEY ORDER MADE OUT IN US DOLLARS.]

She eventually clears my entire shipping transaction (rather than ask if I'd like to pay any other way), starts a new transaction to cash the money order, hands me the cash, then (harrumphing all the way) re-rings my shipping - almost picking up the wrong (not my) package three times, forgetting to ring the correct postage for the Canadian package once, and clearing the transaction twice before giving me the total. I gave her back the $$ for shipping, and was finally free.

It would be an insult to chimps, to say they were smarter than the workers in that post office. :rolleyes:

And then when I got in the car, there was a radio news piece on how First Class will no longer be "delivery in X days", with the USPS rep quoted saying something about how because USPS is seeing lower and lower volume year after year, they are forced to lower customer service.

*blink*

No one wants to use USPS, because your staff is rude, ignorant, under trained and over paid. My sideline business depends on shipping services; after my experience this morning, I'm seriously considering switching to UPS or FedEx - even though it's more inconvenient to me.

Pictures

2011-12-03T20:21:00.000-08:00

Okay... so it was all sorts of gray, damp and gloomy today, but the temperatures weren't horrific [yet], so we took an adventure to a ginormous old fort style playground we used to go to when my oldest two were little. There was much free-running and tire swinging; we took a long rambly walk in the woods.

There's an old tree near the picnic area - when we used to do play-dates there, none of them were tall enough to climb onto the low hanging "horsie ride" branch. I took advantage of the situation, and took a couple of family pictures - getting all of them to sit still, in one place, at the same time happens... never.

This was the closest to a "normal" family picture I was able to get... the youngest snuck in a funny face at the last second; #3 (in the middle) almost got her "rabbit ear" fingers up.

Action shot... a continuation of the previous portrait.

Aaaaaaaand the short humans in their full glory.
Goofy hand signals, rabbit ears, corny jokes, and giggles galore...

Smells

2011-12-01T21:25:00.001-08:00

I hit me [again] this morning how much I miss his smell. It's one of those weirdsillystrange things... how you can curl up inside someone, their scent permeating your skin, your soul. The odd little sigh of disappointment as you step into the shower, knowing you'll step out smelling the squeaky clean smell of shampoo and lavender oatmeal soap, when you're perfectly content just smelling like him.

I can tell I'm struggling with slightly disorganized, slightly tempted towards minorly destructive chaos sorts of thoughts and feelings. The whole having to focus to make wise decisions sorts of things. I'll still make the wise[est possible] decisions, of course; it's just that lately I can feel their additional burdens. Some days I wish taking good care of myself were an easier task.

Hermitage

2011-11-24T19:54:00.001-08:00

While the rest of America was stuffing themselves into turkey-comas, I spent the day...

Canning -

cranberry-pear sauce (like applesauce, but not)
pumpkin butter
salted caramel apple butter

(The house smelled amazing.)

Baking -

pumpkin bar cookies (w/ the aforementioned pumpkin butter)

(The house smelled amazing.)

Cooking -

Italian tomato soup w/ roast cauliflower (lunch)
Beef Shepard's Pie (dinner)

(The house smelled amazing.)

Then adding eight pieces of vintage to the Etsy shop (photography, editing, writing, etc), deciding on minor-business plan sorts of things, organizing the shop layout... and selling $100 of inventory. Not too shabby for a day "off". LOL

In between all that I read a book I ordered from Amazon the other day, did laundry, and avoided wishing I lived in a world where I had someone with whom to avoid thinking about holidays. [Code language for spending a day in bed, and/or doing whatever we pleased, nibbling and noshing on our own version of Thanksgiving dinner, traditions be dammed... or embraced, depending on the mood. Hmm. I might not be as okay with the whole "do holidays alone" thing, as I'd like to admit. LOL]

I just had a font-gasm.

2011-11-19T11:19:00.001-08:00

I was skimming a few blogs before taking the kids for a hike, and came across this -

What Type Are You?

Four little questions asked by a European accented "type therapist", and you find out your type[face]. Which looked like a fun, frivolous little party game...

"Marina Script is a 1936 version of a writing style that is centuries old. It is a typeface with delicately emotional swoops and serifs, delivered with an aristocratic precision and restraint."

My [cursive] handwriting closest resembles Marina Script, and has since I was about 12 years old.

Freaky.

"Work"

2011-11-13T07:53:00.000-08:00

I took two days off this week, at the advice of one of The Men™. I almost never use vacation time; I rarely get two days off back-to-back (without short humans). I was supposed to relax, unwind, "do something fun", etc...

I ended up spending two days [mostly] hanging out in pajamas and playing with vintage, photography, Photoshop, writing and baking. I did eventually leave the house long enough to run by the store and hit a few thrift shops (where I picked up a salmon pink rayon robe from the 40s)...

I really really really miss this. No other people, no bullshit; just living up to my own [occasionally impossible] standards and doing what I enjoy. I even relaxed enough to come up with a few ideas for art (that I actually made notes about/sketched out)!It's got me wondering (again) what it would take to just say screw it and work for/by myself again. Is it possible to cobble together enough vintage/art/writing to actually thrive? (And by thrive, I don't just mean financially.) the heart in me says "Of course it is!!!"

But then the practical, has responsibilities out the wazoo, scared part of me starts thinking in terms of numbers - replacing X income + Y benefits, to equal Z responsibilities... and my head, it 'asplodes.

I wish I had the freedom to run away from home...

headdesk

2011-11-09T19:58:00.000-08:00

My iPhone worked perfectly fine when I went for a run early this morning.

My iPhone worked perfectly fine when I started using my Hipstamatic Ap mid-morning.

I set my iPohone down long enough to make a cup of coffee...

And it died.

Like screen of blackness died.

So I tried the thingies I knew to do if that happened, and nothing happened. So deep breaths were taken (along with a very hot shower), and I ran up to the AT&T store to ask for help. By then the blackness has improved to what I like to call the "iTunes screen of death" - which I've successfully conquered in the past. The AT&T guy said "oh just sync up to iTunes and you should be good to go/be able to restore... yeah, all the odd data should be there."

Well, I tried the "hold down the sleep and home button blahblahblah" while hooked up to iTunes thing for NINETY MINUTES, before giving up. The damn thing is 2½ years old, and it's been randomly going into "restore" mode for the last 9 months, so I (uncharacteristically) decided screw it. I'm tired, I'm an old enough customer to get a reduced rate on the upgrade, so upgrade it is. *If* I can get the damn thing to eventually abandon it's obsession with the iTunes screen of death, maybe I'll give it to The Boy for Christmas or something.

So instead of eating dinner, I used my break time to get a new 4G whateverthehellitis. Unfortunately, my lack of technological understandingness of ANYTHING means that the last time I plugged the old thing into the iTunes computer thing, I didn't actually sync anything.

Whatever that means.

The biggest issue being that that lack of sync-ness means that I have no address book. And no address book means I am dead-in-the-water as far as The Men™, until they contact me. Which, to be honest, is kinda sorta freaking me out.

A little.

[understatement]

I'm still trying to restore the old phone to get the stuff I need off of it... I do not understand the new phone.

thank god for wine.

I Miss Lingerie

2011-11-07T09:04:00.001-08:00

... which sounds kinda stupid, given that I work in the lingerie business, but I just finished putting this up on Etsy and after all the excitement was over (yes, I sometimes get all giddy and excited by something as boring as writing an Etsy listing) and I clicked the button to activate it, there was this little hiccup of sadness.

I mean, I'm lucky. I know I am. I get to go to work every day and play with some of the best made European lingerie out there, but it isn't just apples and oranges; it's peaches and broccoli.

I spent an hour this morning, sitting with a piece of silk in my lap that's almost 100 years old. A piece of silk that was cut and pinned and stitched into a beautiful piece of lingerie... without ever going anywhere near a sewing machine; just someone sitting with needle and thread, sewing. The thing has *thousands* of perfectly executed, hand sewn buttonhole stitches on it. THOUSANDS. (Most people today wouldn't know how to do a hand buttonhole stitch if their lives depended on it; BTW it takes years to learn to make a perfect buttonhole stitch by hand.) Every single bullion knot was the exact same length. The appliques were *perfect*. Even though the stitches were uneven enough to be done by hand, they were about as even as a human hand could make them. I can't even comprehend how long it took to make.

I miss real lingerie.

Outnumbered

2011-11-05T19:56:00.001-07:00

... as always.

It's a kid weekend, and one of the smaller suburbs was having a town square festival sort of thing, so I threw dinner in the crock pot and took the children on a grand expotition.

We only got a teensy bit slightly lost finding the proper train station to get to the actual thingie. I spent money I probably shouldn't have, but it was a really fun day, and I supported a few small businesses... The kids got to do this weird giant blow up ball hamster race thing, and lazer tag, and listen to live music... and try rock climbing.

#3 was totally jazzed. She was the first one to volunteer; #4 was right after her. It's a pretty cool place - the owners turned four abandoned grain silos into a huge indoor rock climbing center. I didn't know anything about the sport, my dystonia is flaring up with the weather change, and I didn't feel up to spotting (or whatever it's called) them while keeping an eye on #5 plus knowing if #1 and 2 were cool.

So I did the mom thing and took pictures.

But by the time they were done (they weren't feeling brave enough to do more than climb the wall in the training room a couple of times), I was thinking damn that looks fun... except where's #5... and #2 is starting to feel bored. And #1 just showed up talking a mile a minute about the conversation he had with some guy while #3 is calling down for me to take her picture, and #4 has that anxious/overwhelmed but proud look on his face that means he might freak out any minute...

I love doing cool things with them; it's important to me that they have cool memories. But sometimes the price of doing cool things with them, is being reminded how outnumbered [and overwhelmed] I feel. I mean, it's good; it's fine. It's just... hard.

Anyway - we rock climbed, we wandered, we played more lazer tag, we got balloons, listened to music, wandered around the toy store, and finally walked back up to the trains to head home. Dinner, family movie night, herding chickens, dishes, more herding chickens, bed.

I want a cuddle. LOL

Words.

2011-11-04T20:08:00.000-07:00

J was in town [briefly] the other day; we got to spend our much needed and wanted "flight lands at 8:30; I'll be there by 10:00" time together. LOL Due to chaotic-ness, we hadn't seen one another since late August / early September-ish.

I've missed him.

It's funny... neither of us is particularly fond of telephones, so unless we're face to face, we don't talk. We might touch base through text, or sometimes even find 5-10 minutes for a typed out conversation, but we don't actually talk unless we're close enough to touch. I am so excited for his future; I am so thankful he's part of my present. He used a word the other night that I haven't heard in a very long time. Like years. It's a word I don't have a very good relationship with; a word that normally results in a feeling of moderate anxiety.

But instead of feeling anxious, I felt safe. Which is very very weird [for me].

I'm still not feeling anxious, but I realized today that I have no clue what I'm doing.

I don't mean that in a "How am I going deal with / define / move forward / wahteveritispeopledoatthispoint" way. Because I know all that - we're going to continue our friendship, keep enjoying something that's pretty damn special [IMO], and see each other when we're able. That part is simply an issue of logic. I mean that I've literally never done this before, and I have no freaking clue what I'm doing.

But at least I'm not anxious.

Breathing

2011-11-01T11:11:00.000-07:00

Things have been all sorts of stressy lately. Like to the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day point of deciding to leave work 4 hours early last Friday. but in an uncharacteristic move, I texted J on the way out, and asked if I could come get a hug. Because ye.gods. am I tired.

So lucky me, I got to sit in the garden, all curled up in a blanket with a fresh cup of peppermint tea... and be reminded to breathe. I'm struggling mightily with the breathing thing [see "all sorts of stressy" comment above]; as a reminder I'm tossing up a few pictures I took while walking at the lake with the kids a few weeks ago.

I did struggle with getting out there to run last week [again, see "stressy" thingie], but made myself do it yesterday. The good thing is it's still easier to jog for 30 minutes than it was a few months ago; the normal thing is that essentially taking 10-14 days "off" made it hard to jog the non-stop distance I'd built up to 3 weeks ago. The weird [cool] thing is that I didn't jog, I RAN. Like 1/4 mile wind sprints ran. I've never done that in my life, but I just couldn't slow myself down. I was too angry and frustrated and tired and hurt to pace myself any better. So now for the first time in my adult life, I know I can actually run run. Who knew?

Stop Gap

2011-10-22T20:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I broke down and decided to re-open the Etsy thingie today. I've called around/emailed a bit to see if any of the vintage shops here are interested in buying my collection, and got crickets in response, so screw 'em. It won't be quick money, but if I can throw 1-2 listings up a day, it'll keep me up in the site search, and might actually put a dollar or two in my pocket.

I've been holding off on it, because my previous "style" was so freaking labor intensive (major OCD Photoshopping), and at the moment all I have access to is the camera on my iPhone... but ya know what? Screw it. I'll use interesting photography apps to create a unified, marketable "look" and see what happens. At .20/listing, it won't kill me to experiment a bit.

And while I'm not ready to give up the ghost, I've decided it wouldn't be horrible of me to tighten up my resume and keep an eye out... maybe give myself a deadline to see if things get better, and permission to act if they haven't. At the very least, it's inappropriate to have a resume on file that is 2+ years outdated, right?

So yeah... still can't pay my bills, still in the red (after a month of literally making do/eating out of the pantry I decided to juggle harder and bought real groceries - Spatchcocked Chicken is da bomb), still stressed out the wazoo, still drowning a bit and wishing I had the luxury to be more fragile than I do... but at least I feel a minor, cobbled-together plan-ish thing of some sort starting to come together. Or something.

Glorious Advisors...

2011-10-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

One of the things I love about having certain sorts of people in my life, is the sounding-boardness of it all. I usually try to muddle through things on my own (because for most of my life I've been very used to "on my own" sorts of things), but sometimes I need to think out loud, and let the out loud stuff come back at me.

I mentioned the weirdness of the other day, and I really did try to process through it all by myself, but blergh... after a semi-sleepless night,I tried texting J but didn't get a response; so I texted J. It's like in my head I keep trying to balance and not be clingy or needy or dependent on one more than the other, but at the same time respect the importance of each of them in my life...

Anyway, J and I chatted about things for a bit, and I called the person who tried to recruit me - just to say thank you, but there's this messy little thing called a "non-compete clause" I am obligated to honor; but it was flattering and thank you. And when I went into work, I told my manager - thought being, there are things I've been stressed out and frustrated about and maybe someone else wanting me/acknowledging I even briefly considered it might offer some sort of leverage or something.

As I told J... I am so not the leverage-y person.

Confirmed by the fact that my manager basically went "Dude! Seriously? That's kinda cool! But as someone who's recruited people from that particular company, you'd be taking a pay cut." LOL

For a couple years now, I've said I'll never work for another company again. Period. I still love [lovelovelovelovelove] what I do... but lately I like my job less and less.I feel kinda disillusioned. Frustrated. Impatient.Things are happening (and not happening), business is slow, hours have been cut [twice]... it feels like I'm frantically and desperately swimming up stream. Alone. In a hurricane.

I'm stating to question the whole "never work for anyone else ever again" thing. It feels like I'm cheating on my company, and I'm having a hard time with it. I've been expressing concerns about certain things for about 6 months now [things I first voiced a concern about two years ago], and while I'm willing to believe those things are being addressed behind the scenes... I'm not seeing any changes. So do I keep sucking up, sticking to myself, being the little trooper that I am and trust things to work out... or do I revamp my resume and do something with everything that I've accomplished the last few years?

Sigh.

It feels a little heartbreaky, as silly as that sounds...

Image

2011-10-19T17:30:00.001-07:00

Last night was the first night of silk pajama season... it's supposed to drop down to the low 40s tonight.

Randomness

2011-10-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

Today was a really weird, frustrating, weird, confusing day at work. I'd originally typed out this whole huge stream-of-consciousness thing about it all, but it doesn't feel right.

tl;dr version -

Icky coworker continues to be icky - but this time a client really seriously raised hell about it (in the store, on FaceBook, etc). I'm getting so.fucking.tired of dealing with this shit.

I got recruited today. As in, at some point I had a client who was a Regional Director of a department store, and the RD told the person who came in to talk to me. Not talk to people who work where I work... talk to *me*.

I have no idea what to think right now.

Oh, and I'm torturing myself dreaming of houses again. Even though I have no business doing so. (Seriously? $85k. EIGHTY-FIVE K. Why the bloody fuck am I not ahead enough in life to do something like this?!?! ARGH!)

There's the spot...

2011-10-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

I got to spend this morning with one of The Men™. I let myself in and got to tidying [he was still having coffee with friends in town]; once he was home again I was able to finish my work while he checked on his. We both kept going "Man this is the coolest arrangement!" LOL

A few hours later and I'm home again - calm, sore, sleepy, languid... hand prints on my ass. I think one of my favorite things about that man is laying there peaceful and naked, afterward. Just laying there talking about everything and nothing, recognizing how lucky we are to meet such equal yet opposite need for the other.

Feeling normal.

Reason 10,000,000,003 that I love my children

2011-10-12T10:47:00.001-07:00

Email from #2 yesterday (cc'd to her older brother)-

Title: OMFG THE BOOKS!!!!)=>

I have found the most horrifying thing ever:
6 REASONS WE'RE IN ANOTHER BOOK BURNING ERA
(le thunder, le dun dun daaaa)

*4 rows of crying emoticons*

behold the simultaneous wahs!
but book burning.
gah, I'm gonna have a heart attack!
THE BOOKS! THE BOOKS!!!
-wah-hoo-awww (lol Speed Racer jk XD)

My response last night -

Hmmm... for some reason I get the feeling we're related, or something...

Response from her brother this afternoon-

Katie: Please calm down. I know that book burning is bad, but please don't die of over-angreh-ness.

Mom: OMGWTFBBQ BOOK IS BURND!!!1!!!shift+1!!!

(I'm sitting here laughing so hard I'm practically crying.)

Occupy Wha???

2011-10-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

I have developed a vague new hobby... casually following the whole Occupy Wall Street mess.

Sociological train wreck-ness at it's best. I mean, I understand the ideological theory behind it all, and yes, The System is broken [and needs fixing very very badly], but wow.

I've read posts on the OWS Forums calling for a $20/hr "living wage" for all citizens, regardless of skill, experience, etc. That's a little over $38k a year. Exactly how expensive will a McDonald's hamburger become, if the 19 year old kid taking the order is making $38k a year? Wait - scratch that. If fast food prices go through the roof, real food might end up being cheaper and Americans might actually start eating better. LOL

Or there are posts where people swear to all that is holy, that "rich people" (the 1%) didn't earn their wealth - they stole it off the backs of the poor. I have this argument with coworkers occasionally. They'll argue that the owners of the company "owe us" because they [the owners] have XYZ, and the staff are the ones who enable them to be where they are. I always end up arguing that yes, they benefit from our labor; however, I'm not the one who invested 20+ years of risk and capital in the business.

Arguments are being made that the proposed changes work in Europe! Yes, they do. In much smaller countries. Someone pointed out they work in countries up to 1/3 the size of the US! Okay, what shall we do about the other 2/3 of the country? BTW, I do honestly believe there needs to be radical reformation in a lot of areas, and there are a lot of things about Canadian/EU systems I admire - I just don't believe your average American has the stones to accept the short term pain that will accompany the long term goals of change. I mean really? People are screaming about the "American poor" and being part of the "99%" by posting online? From computers? With webcams? And internet access? Sitting in the pitch black night of Haiti because the family has to conserve candles is poverty; not whining from a laptop with the AC is running.

Another post on the whole wage issue was proclaiming that wages shouldn't be tied so strictly to skill, or how hard one works, or seniority. Everyone deserves X! Where is the humanity!?! Umm... I'm sorry... there are people I work with who [literally] sit down on the job. Who half-ass their way through things. Who don't go above and beyond, or pick up any slack, or volunteer for grunge work, or look for ways to make themselves more valuable. I'll be dammed if they deserve the same base income as the people who do go above and beyond, or pick up any slack, or volunteer for grunge work, or look for ways to make themselves more valuable. If we as a society link income to the lowest common denominator, how can we expect anyone to rise above it?

It's like how someone at work commented that "apparently Steve Jobs was a total asshole" (after reading a Steve Jobs obituary on Yahoo... on the clock). I read the same article when I got home, and thought "No, Steve Jobs expected, and demanded, excellence; which is why Apple is Apple."

So yes, The System is broken, yes it needs to change, and the alternative living, hippie-mama in me is happy to see people trying to change it... but the older, once-upon-a-time business owner, responsible, boring person in me keeps thinking "Dude... y'all reeeeeaaaaaallllly didn't pay much attention in high school/college economics, history or sociology classes, did you?"

Then I glance at my Amazon wish list and see books on Urban Homesteading, Living Off The Grid, Simple Living... the goals I have to be more of a locavore... my attitude that I don't need a lot of money; I need peace and stability... my views about the responsibility of man to take care of those less fortunate... my opinion that hard work deserves just rewards... and I think well - we've just added another item to the long list of ways I span worlds and never quite "fit in". LOL

YeGods

2011-10-10T20:04:00.000-07:00

The other night I had a smidge too large of a glass of wine, and acknowledging my slightly lonely little self-ness... answered a personals ad.

The guy sounded intelligent and interesting, but some of the kinks weren't quite lining up - I briefly pushed that aside, because goodness knows I'm a sucker for intelligent and interesting.

The funny thing is that he responded, simply pointing out I'd answered his ad before (he remembered my email address). I apologized, commented on how awkward it was, and didn't expect to hear back again. Except that he did answer back - no worries; he couldn't exactly remember if we'd talked or not? (It has been a very long year+... I have no idea.)

Anyway - he asked for (and received) my number, and we spoke briefly tonight.

And 3 minutes in I remembered that yes, we had spoken a little over a year ago. He placed the ad, but didn't mention that he lived out of state (although he grew up here). And it wasn't so much an issue of kinks aligning or not... it was more an issue of (IMO) his views of D/s being very "pornified yet undefined" for lack of a better term. In our brief chat, I got the distinct impression of a guy looking for young, hawt, bisexual, totally into hedonistic group/swinger sex type girl. But he was just having such.a.hard.time. finding that type of woman! I mean... he's been in the San Francisco-ish for years now, and the type of submissive woman he's looking for just doesn't exist out there!

My response was huh... I thought Society of Janus was based out of SF? And Folsom Street Fair? Dude, you're in like kink mecca!

Oh um... he's not really in San Francisco... more like Silicone Valley... but uh, yeah... it sounds like we're looking for different things... so uh... good luck!

Sigh.

And he actually [briefly] sounded semi-interesting...

Sad Panda is Sad...

2011-10-07T19:53:00.000-07:00

I got a text from one of The Men™ yesterday... brave, bold, interesting man that he is, he finally did what he's talked about doing for at least 6 months now.

He resigned from his firm, to follow his heart and do his own thing.

It's hard for me to express how proud I am.
Hard to express that I believe in him.
That I know he'll go on to do amazing things with his life.

Of course the down side of all that exciting future-type stuff, is the end of his monthly business trips here. I mean, we have a couple left because he isn't actually leaving until the first of the year-ish... but still. I was finally really feeling actually comfortable; I mean, it's only been almost a year. (Yes, I'm that slow. LOL) The grown up part of me knows we'll stay friends and stay in touch; the girl part of me wonders if there's some magical coordinate-y woo-woo somethingorother we can pull of to still sneak a weekend together once in a blue moon.

Anyway... I'm not moping or dwelling or anything. Just missing. I've learned a lot from my friendship with that man - like maybe it's okay to admit I'm not all that fond of being utterly alone in the world. I'm not sure he realizes how big of a deal that is...

Image

2011-10-07T05:59:00.001-07:00

Image

2011-10-06T16:15:00.001-07:00

I Am...

2011-10-04T14:51:00.000-07:00

Grumpy.
Stressed.
Tired.
Struggling.

And I've spent the day dealing with it by

Baking Bread
Doing Laundry
Cleaning House
Accomplishing Projects

The accomplishing projects bit was the most important part of the day... there's this little closet-type area off the kitchen that houses the washer & dryer. The [very old] dryer died a few weeks after I moved in (not covered in the lease); I removed one of the two [very ugly] bi-fold doors enclosing the area around the same time, but couldn't get the second one off the track to save my life.

I started thinking a few weeks ago that the dryer was taking up dead space that would make an awesome little craft area... it's just about the perfect size for a vintage sewing cabinet/machine, and the ceiling is tall enough that if I rearrange the shelving a bit, I could have a kick-ass craft/art "closet", and install an indoor clothes-drying hanging rack (for the winter months).

So while the bread was rising on the stove I wrestled with the dead dryer, moving it out to the storage shed in the back. Then I had a "d'oh!" moment, and realized all I had to do to deal with the bi-fold door issue, was unscrew the hinges before taking the thing off the track. I still need to wipe down/wash the walls (lint.from.hell.), but as of now I'm feeling hopeful about being able to carve out a little creative space for myself.

Now I just need to find the money to paint... do shelving/a drying rack... get my hands on a sewing cabinet/machine... sigh.

Back to feeling

grumpy.
stressed.
tired.
struggling.

Image

2011-10-03T09:19:00.001-07:00

Image

2011-10-02T08:25:00.000-07:00

Image

2011-10-01T09:15:00.001-07:00

Image

2011-09-30T08:06:00.000-07:00

Image

2011-09-29T08:59:00.001-07:00

Buzz

2011-09-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

The Ft. Worth Arts District did a community event this past weekend, so the kids and I wandered around The Kimball, The Modern (I'd never wandered into The Modern before; must must must go back without kids sometime), and The Museum of Science & History.

When we were looking at the reflecting pool at The Modern, I found a teensy little dead bee... which made me think of the film I saw the other day about CCD. So I took a picture.

(Weird, I know.)

Dinner

2011-09-23T16:57:00.000-07:00

#4: I found a dinosaur bone in my eggs!
Me: Chickens are descendants of dinosaurs.
#3: I thought birds were descendants of dinosaurs?
Me: Chickens are birds.
Eldest: Chickens are descendants of dinosaurs; dinosaurs are old. Socrates is old; therefore Socrates was a dinosaur.
Me: Nice.

Finally!

2011-09-22T08:34:00.001-07:00

I finally found out how far it is between 911 marker thingies at the lake - each one is approximately 1/8 of a mile, and I jogged 13/walked 7 this morning, which means I did roughly 2½ miles this morning... in 45 minutes. Which probably makes me the slowest jogger-type-person on the planet, but I really don't care. and maybe it's the more mature masochist in me, but I'm actually enjoying myself. (Either that or I've just solidified the theory that my brain is odder than most.)

It hit me this morning that I'm developing the same focus while jogging, that I usually restrict for sex... Everything else shuts down when I'm fucking; my only thoughts involve the physical sensations of sex - touch, pleasure, pain. Letting anything else [mentally] creep into that secret little world, ruins it. The rhythm will go all kablooey, or tension will crop up in body parts that have no business being tense.

The same thing happened this morning towards the end of my run. Something made me think about work, and my breathing got off - so I reset the brain and went back to running. And then something made me think about [my current lack of] money, and my breathing and footsteps got off. So I reset the brain again.

The last 10 minutes or so of my run felt very similar to the sex I have when I'm stressed out of my gourd. Not quite as good... okay nowhere near as good... but similar.

Weird.

Hoo. Ray.

2011-09-20T10:15:00.000-07:00

I currently have [checks the other window open on the computer] $12 in the bank.

Which is just fabulously awesome in some ways, because it means that A) I still have $12, and B) makes it much easier to force myself to spend my day off doing DAY OFF sorts of things. (Read: not running errands and/or otherwise stressing myself out on my day off.)

The opposite of the fabulous awesomeness being that, well, I have $12 in the bank.

There's been so much general BLECH going around lately (work, work, bills, work, ex-husbands, work), that I decided last night to have a Day 'O Happy, instead of running myself ragged on my one free day this week. So I made a plan before going to bed [yes, I sometimes need structure that badly], and it's actually gone pretty well.

I woke up early and walked at the lake for an hour. I've been working on jogging / building up my stamina every day for a few weeks now, but decided to take it "easy" today. We had a huge thunderstorm the other night, and the gray herons and egrets were all fishing at the bottom of the spillway. (As of Saturday morning, that beautiful scene was the pond behind the dam and a rock wall punctuated by a few trickles of water. Thank god it rained.)

Then home, a quick change into my favorite pajamas, and I settled down to breakfast/checking email. Right now I have double cinnamon raisin bread dough rising on the counter (yeah... kinda lost track in the recipe), sweet onions caramelizing on the stove top for French Onion Soup, I've cleaned out the refrigerator (that was a bit scary), and the only "must do" on my list is some writing. And it's not even 1:00, yet.

Oh, and Glee starts again tonight! How on earth can I be bothered with boring things like finances when tonight I get to curl up on the couch with homemade French Onion Soup, red wine and GLEE?

Image

2011-09-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

Hysteria

2011-09-16T07:28:00.000-07:00

I want to see this so.freaking.bad. Odd odd little mind that I have, I've actually read extensively on "nymphomania", "hysteria", and women's sexuality in the Victorian Era... no one ever really discusses the fact that ignoring women's sexuality ["nervous hysteria"] was a key factor in the arguments against allowing them to vote, or hold office, or simply take charge in day to day situations.

Must.
See.
Movie.

Rabbitus Domesticus

2011-09-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

For some strange reason (I blame stress) I've spent the last hour wandering canning/urban farming/off grid/cheese making/ sewing/free thinking/homemaking blogs.

Which means that instead of working for a living, I'd much rather be sewing, writing, cleaning, personal assistanting, veggie and herb and chicken growing-ing... and living in the kitchen. 30 minutes of daydreaming and now all I want to do is hermit myself away making yummies.

Basil Peach Infused Vodka
Quarts of Tomato Soup
Strawberry Basil Jam
Apple Butter
Tomatillo Salsa
Ginger Mustard Pickles
Homemade Cheddar Cheese

Of course doing all that [joyfully labor intensive] domesticy deliciousness kinda sorta requires the funds and time to do it... working my ass off would [possibly] provide the funds, but greatly reduce the time factor; not working my ass off would increase the time factor, but kill the fundage.

Thinkthinkthink...

*As a stop-gap, Lizzy & I made banana scones w/ brown sugar glaze for our mid-afternoon snack.

Deep Contented Sigh

2011-09-08T11:49:00.000-07:00

I got a surprise last night... J flew in a day earlier than he'd said he might be flying in, so I got to spend a couple hours curled up in bed with him late last night.

Then this morning I got to go over to J's and catch up on life, tidy house for a bit, then curl up in bed for a few hours.

One had spent the last month out of town; the other being a hermit... which kind of sucked. But at the same time, ye gods am I an incredibly lucky woman to have both of those men in my life.

Oh yes... the ass? I kick it.

2011-09-07T10:01:00.001-07:00

One of the things I'm working on with this whole stress thing is my health. I did a light detox a few weeks ago, am trying (unsuccessfully) to sleep better, and I've been kindly dragging myself through walks at the lake and/or stretches/weight resistance stuff at home.

2 weeks ago, I was walking 1 mile marker at the lake, and jogging the next. I managed to jog/walk rotate through 3-4 marker lengths for a total of 8 lengths (which I can't for the live of me find out how far apart they are), and then turned around and walked back.

This morning, I walked the first 3 as a warm up, jogged 2, walked 1, jogged 2, walked 1, turned around and on the way back walked 1, jogged 2 , walked 1, jogged 1, and walked the final 4 back to the car.

I'm planning on gradually increasing how many markers I jog, until I can jog without walking in-between, and just spend 45 minutes/an hour out at the lake 3-4 times a week.

YAY ME!

Anxiety & Value

2011-09-02T08:54:00.000-07:00

Interesting thing I realized the other day... I haven't posted a bedtime image in a couple weeks. I just haven't had the heart for it.

It's like all of a sudden August hit, and this rolling uphill wandering I'd begun to enjoy, got sidelined with a stubbed toe. LOL One lover had to give up his trip, and won't be back in town until mid-September. Another lover has been extra quiet and introspective the last few weeks. Work has been stressful. The ex-husband has been frustrating. The short ones joyful, but exhausting. Money... blech. Money has simply been horrifically icky.

And in the background I hear this haunting voice reminding me that I'm turning 40.

I know turning 40 is NOTHING. I mean, 40 is the new point at which life BEGINS! It means I have another 50-ish years to do brilliant, accomplished, outrageous things with my life... and very few people will question a damn bit of it, because I'll finally be old enough that people can genuinely write me off as "eccentric." (Like they don't, already. LOL)

But I'm still struggling with it.

It's like there's the laundry list in my head of things one is "supposed" to have accomplished by this point in life... that I haven't exactly accomplished. And even though I accept and enjoy the somewhat quirky little niche I've carved out for myself in this ginormous Universe of ours, I'm having a hard time with measuring my accomplishments against the list in my head.

Finding resolution, if you will.
Focus.
Setting goals.

Ah well... 9 months to sort it all out. Hey! 9 months! Maybe 40 will end up being like a new birth or something?

Shaking My Head

2011-08-30T14:59:00.000-07:00

A coworker asked me last week if I knew anything about blogging, because she wanted to start a blog. The conversation got interrupted, and I didn't get a chance to ask again until yesterday.

Me: What was it you wanted to know about blogging?
Her: You blog, right?
Me: Yeah... I just started laying out the foundations for a second one last night, actually.
Her: Really? Who built your blog?
Me: If you're writing casually, use the Blogger.com platform; if you wanting more access to metrics and traffic data/etc, I'd recommend WordPress.com.
Her: Yeah, but who designed it? I gotta make this thing look GOOD.
Me: What do you mean who designed it? Blogger and WordPress are blog hosting engines; all you have to do is pick a template and start writing.
Her: Yeah, but who DESIGNED it?
Me: Here, let me show you what I did last night...
Her: OMG how'd you do that?!?
Me: I picked a template off WordPress, grabbed an old modeling shot off the computer, and spent a few minutes in Photoshop to create a new header... if I want to drop the ".wordpress.com" part of the addy, it'll only cost me $17/year.
Her: That's YOU? OMG you used to be hot!
Me: Yeah. BTW still hot. The new blog's only a day old... I need to link in Pinterest, Twitter, think about RSS, consider audio posts, build an email follow list, decide if/when I'm ready to monetize it / develop a business plan, decide how frequently I'll post, the number of vintage lingerie topics to modern lingerie topics, decide how image heavy I want to be, research interview topics...
Her: I gotta get this thing going. ___ and I read this gossip blog every morning, and that guy makes MILLIONS of dollars!
Me: Uh-huh... So do you know much about the business of blogging? SEO? Developing a strong enough following to attract advertisers? Monetizing? Do you read Dooce? Brilliant business woman; I think Forbes named her one of the most influential women bloggers of 2010... What's your focus?
Her: That's what I'm talkin' about! This Dooce chick better watch out! What does she blog about?
Me: Her life.
Her: Oh. Nah that's boring shit; I'm going to blog about all the crazy ass stories I hear. I went to film school so I know how to write! I just gotta find me somebody to build this thing.
Me: Mmm. Well... there's lots of books out there on the subject, so I'm sure if you look around you can get some great advice...

I did a thingie...

2011-08-28T19:09:00.000-07:00

Months ago, a client suggested I start a blog specifically dealing with my passion for lingerie. She's a writer, and by the time we'd finished her appointment, she was arguing the world NEEDED a blog by someone like me.

Me being me, I went home, and brainstormed a bit... off the top of my head creating a list with about a year's worth of weekly blog postings... sat on the idea for 2-3 months... came back to it again and again...

Um, yeah... hi. I kinda have a thing for the subject.

*blush*

So tonight after I took the short ones home, I spent an hour-ish setting up a new blog, as well as the @littleredslip twitter account... even though I'm not particularly sure how this whole tweety-bird thing works, exactly. Now I just have to decide what I want to do with it, and make a plan to make it (whatever "it" is) happen.

The Craziness of My Days...

2011-08-26T19:01:00.000-07:00

The most frustrating moment at work today-

Client: Are you sure this fits?
Me: Yes. [explaining why it fits]
Client's Daughter: But her breasts are pushed together enough!
Me: She's in a size K.
Client's Daughter: But it doesn't fit! They aren't pushed together enough!
Client: What if we tried a size F?
Me: That is [quick calculation] EIGHT sizes smaller than you are currently wearing.
Client: Oh. So that won't work?
Me: No.
Client's Daughter: I don't know... I just don't think this fits. I mean, it's $56! I would expect something that expensive to actually fit...

Best Part of my day -

Doing the first ever fitting for a very goofy, very shy, very sweet little girl named Mia [9 years old], and explaining to her and her mom about how her body is going to change, what a bra is supposed to feel like/how it should fit, and what her options are (while she played the "do you like waffles?" song on her mom's iPhone).

:-D

Twins

2011-08-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

One man's pendulum is swinging hard.

The other has been quiet for days at a time, and all he'll say is that lately he's been on an emotional roller-coaster [and thus not very good company].

And all I want to do is curl up with each of them.

Slow Burn

2011-08-22T20:11:00.001-07:00

I found out [via rumor mill] this evening that the most negative, shit stirring, whiny, victim-mentality, "OMG those greedy corporate bastards don't pay us enough!", non-team-player I work with... makes $3/hr more than I do [base]. Theory being [via the rumor mill] that she came into the position with more retail experience than anyone else on staff [besides management]. Whereas I came into the position with 18 months experience in the exact field of specialty, plus an additional 3 years background in vintage lingerie and small business entrepreneurship.

This is the person who refuses to help keep the store tidy, pokes her nose in everyone else's business, doesn't pick up after herself, always has an excuse for everything, assumes the worst of every person in the shop (and makes her opinions known), terrorizes the support staff, does her best to manipulate coworkers, causes untold drama, and fails to even attempt to live up to the company's stated philosophy of business (own your shit, stay positive, treat one another like family, work hard).

They decided to postpone yearly reviews last January, moving them to the 4th Quarter. I've been having blunt conversations with my Manager for the last several months, expressing a strong desire to be rewarded for my hard work and dedication to the company the last two years. In theory, I'll have an answer to the reward issue sometime in September or October.

I am genuinely concerned about what my reaction will be if my yearly review results in unsatisfactory compensation for the work I've done.

That Was Interesting...

2011-08-22T09:18:00.001-07:00

I've been going through one of those purge-y sorts of phases lately, and finally decided to step up and look into divulging myself of some of my vintage collection. I hemmed and hawed and wavered back and forth for a few weeks, but finally decided it was time.

I emailed a local business over the weekend, pulled everything I was willing to let go of, and just finished meeting with a very sweet young couple... who are obviously young, full of enthusiasm, and don't know all that much about vintage beyond the eco-friendly factor. (In other words, they don't know designers, construction, or decade trends the way I do. LOL)

I offered up about 40 pieces of vintage; they were interested in 8. And out of the 8 pieces they wanted, only 3 were in excellent condition. They left behind 2 hand painted Mexican circle skirts, 3 vintage wool suits from the 50s, some very funky 70s pieces (that would work with the right accessories)... they were also not quite ready to face my reality re: prices. LOL Because the things I was valuing at $100 (and asking a decent 25-30% retail buying price on), they were wanting to get for the $6 a thrift store would charge.

Mmmm... no. I don't care that I paid $2 for one of the cocktail dresses 7 years ago, I'm not taking less than $30 for it. That still gives them plenty of room to at least double the price, take care of some overhead, and make everybody happy.

Anyway - I made $90, which was fair (given that several pieces needed work), I ended up keeping several things I honestly would have regretted parting with, and hot!damn! I got rid of that %@$# $2 cocktail dress [that carried a hell of a lot of disappointing memories/bad jujube].

And covered a couple of bills, to boot.

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2011-08-19T09:26:00.000-07:00

Cookiecookiecookie

2011-08-17T21:06:00.001-07:00

I spent this evening (after kids were in bed) watching a recording of the season finale of Master Chef and drinking cheap wine... it made me miss weather cool enough to cook. Because lately I've been trolling cooking/baking blogs, missing the opportunity to play in the kitchen.

Right now on my list are:

Summer Squash with Baked Egg
Mini-Pumpkin Tarts
Sticky Roast Chicken with Root Veggies
[lots and lots of] Fresh Baguettes
Tomato Basil Bisque
Corn Pudding
Homemade Oreos

The funny thing is that I've been doing a smoothie "fast" all week, trying to reset my body, my habits, my taste buds. I spent the summer eating like crap - carbs, diet coke, carbs, wine, carbs and beer. So I finally came to my senses and did something drastic - Green Monster* smoothies twice a day.

The interesting thing is that they were actually yummy. The interesting-er thing is that I started sleeping better. The most interesting thing[s] is that my cravings for diet coke and alcohol went bye-bye about the same time my cravings for water went through the roof.[ Which is a good thing.] Of course the stress of yesterday undid it all (I'm still upset) and today I drank two diet cokes, skipped lunch, ate 2 slices of birthday cake, dinner was Cuban chicken over rice, and did I mention the cheap wine after the kids were in bed?

Sigh.

But in the spirit of being kind to myself (on the advice of a friend), I am going to remember that small setbacks are not the same as permanent setbacks. And even though I had two diet cokes today (the last two in the house), I didn't replace the 12 pack in the refrigerator. So instead of berating myself for the momentary lapse, I'm going to choose to recognize the lessons learned, celebrate the teensy victory [of not actually buying more diet coke], and start fresh tomorrow. Sp Go! Team! Me! and all that shit. LOL

... but I am ready for the weather to cool down so I can go back to cooking.

*Green Monster

1 large handful kale
1 large handful spinach
1 apple [cored]
1 bosc pear [cored]
1/2 - 3/4c orange juice
1 fresh squeezed lime
4-5 leaves cilantro
½" piece fresh ginger

Blend the ever lovin' hell out of everything in a food processor until as "smoothy-ish" as possible (adding a banana will make it creamier).

Abnormal

2011-08-17T07:05:00.000-07:00

So I went back to work after a couple days off last week, and when asked if I had a good time/what did I do, I made the mistake of saying "It was nice... J was in town so he and I got to catch up Wednesday night, and I spent some time with J on Thursday."

*cue rumor mill*

This massive momentary lapse in judgment resulted in the Junior High antics of yesterday... when a coworker [surfing Yahoo articles during a slow period instead of working] starts a conversation.

Twit: Hey M! Here's an article on how to have multiple relationships!
Me: Okay. And?
Twit: Well aren't you dating two guys?
Me: So?
Twit: Well, I mean don't you think you should read this?
Me: I walk over, see stupidity like "keep them guessing" and "dating more than one man at a time means you won't get attached" and "use their jealousy to your advantage", roll my eyes and say the article doesn't apply.
Twit: What do you mean it doesn't apply! You're dating two men!
Me: J knows about J and fully supports our friendship. In addition, J knows about J and fully supports our friendship. It's called communication.
Twit: Oh. But don't you think you should...
Me: No.

Trying

2011-08-16T21:33:00.000-07:00

One word [two definitions] has been rolling across the valleys of my mind all evening; that word would be "trying". It's a very simple little word, and in some ways quite hopeful, as well. One can try to be a better person, try to achieve balance, try to accomplish a new skill. Try. Try. Try.

try (tr)

v. try·ing, tries (trz)

1. To make an effort to do or accomplish (something); attempt

But sometimes even when one tries and tries and TRIES to do something, the something they are trying to accomplish simply becomes too. much.

I have been trying all summer to rise above the random little comments my middle-est child has been innocently spouting. Trying to remember that he's still too young to "get it" like his older siblings do. Trying to count to ten, and remember that my pride isn't as important as setting a good example. Trying [and failing] to figure out how explain my reality to him, without making things sticky.

In trying, I have worn myself thin, setting things up for an alternative definition of the word:

trying [ˈtraɪɪŋ]adj.
1. upsetting, difficult, or annoying

Every summer we switch from a weekend visitation schedule, to a mid-week schedule, because it benefits both families. In fact, this year my ex brought up the subject first, saying he'd like to continue with that arrangement so he could take advantage of having summers free (he teaches high school). As August approached, I asked if he wanted to continue with a mid-week schedule and have K stay home since she had band camp all month, or move to a weekend schedule. His response? "Whatever you prefer. I mean, the only reason we're doing it this way is because it benefits you."

*counts to 10*

The last few months, the middle-est boy has been making little comments about things at home... which [always] seem to innocently paint me in a bad light. Things like "___ (step mom) says my little brother and I are better behaved than the older kids because she raised us." Or "I feel sorry for ___. ___ and ___ [older siblings] because they didn't get to have ___ (step mom's) influence when they were little." Or tonight's comment "I sure am lucky that ___ is one of my moms. 'Cause that means I'm gonna grow up with good manners and be responsible and stuff, instead of being like ___. ___ and ___ [older siblings]."

It's getting to be a bit more than counting to 10 can handle. Except I don't know HOW to handle it. I'm too hurt (and pissed about this and other things) to discuss it calmly with their father. I REFUSE to drag my children into the middle of things... even though I desperately want to point out to them that when I was married to their father, he was so wrapped up in his "girlfriends", his band, his kung fu lessons, his computer games, his social life, his online theological forums, and his ego [while volunteering for the Church], that I was essentially stuck playing the part of a single mother simply doing the best I could.

I want to point out to them that when I wanted to go back to school and finish my degree he said "Why? You're just a mom. I mean, don't you see what a waste of money that would be?"

Or that when I wanted his help to start a small business, his idea of "help" was to buy a sewing machine and not understand why I couldn't find time to work on things and make enough money to repay his generous support [while raising 3 children under the age of 5].

I want to point out that the entire time we were married, I was "gifted" three hours a week to myself each Saturday... as long as I took the baby, while he worked full time and had Band [rehearsals/gigs] 3 nights a week, Kung Fu 2 nights a week, and took Sundays "off" to recuperate.

Or how when I said another baby would risk my physical, emotional and mental health, he promised to both get a vasectomy and take care of birth control until the surgery... only to "forget".

Of course it's easy for his wife to feel like she's doing a better job. The man she married changed his career [to education] to be more available to his children. He is the Cub Scout Leader for his son's troop. They go camping as a family. He still does band stuff, but holds rehearsals in the garage instead of across town. [to my knowledge] He gave up his "girlfriends". He actually attempts to actively parent his children, instead of pawning off all the work [like he did with me].

And I still get nights like tonight... where I showed up on time, only to be told daughter A was at band camp until 8:30 (2 hours away) and daughter B still needed to run up to school to get her schedule... so I could just hang out with the boys for a bit, then come back for daughter B, then hang out with all of them for a bit, then come back again at 8:30 to pick up daughter A. And oh, by the way they haven't had dinner yet. When I looked up at the heavens and said "Could you please, please take a minute to give me a heads up when the schedule changes like this?" I was told that he was giving me the information he had, as soon as he had it. (Daughter A confirmed that the 8:30pm schedule has been happening for the entirety of band camp.)

I said I'd be back at 8:30.

So I took 3 kids out to eat [which I couldn't afford], and did my best to kill 2 hours. I showed back up at 8:30... ex+ wife+ whomever were having band rehearsal in the garage; daughter B was home, but still hadn't gotten dinner "because your mom is picking you up"; daughter A was nowhere to be found. Because when her dad said "8:30" what he meant was she would be finishing up band at 8:30, and then would have to say goodbye to friends/etc, and bike home from the high school [about 1.5 miles down the road].

I left work at 5:30, fought rush hour for over an hour, bought 5 dinners I couldn't afford [even though they were cheap], dealt with 3 bored children for 2 hours, and didn't start heading for home until after 9pm; I didn't even get people into bed until after 11.

Right now I'm feeling very tired of the tryingness of trying so hard.

Image

2011-08-13T08:50:00.000-07:00

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2011-08-12T08:16:00.001-07:00

Fascinatingly Normal

2011-08-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

I might be having the most abnormally normal [for me] relationship-type situation I've ever experienced.

I spent a couple of hours last night curled up in bed with J, catching up.

I spent this morning [blissfully] cleaning J's house, followed by lunch, a cozy chat in the garden, and a few hours in bed.

They each know about the other, seem to recognize that it's good for me, and are being supportive of my desire to maintain both friendships. And in trade I feel content, and understood, and genuinely cared for.

Odd odd little mind...

Image

2011-08-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

How To Undress

2011-08-09T17:49:00.000-07:00

... In Front of Your Husband.

The funny thing to me, is that while watching I realized I automatically have all the habits of Ms. Barrie, and none of "Ms. Trixie" character. (To the extent that I was watching the "Ms. Trixie" clips, open mouthed, horrified by how roughly she was treating her lingerie. LOL)

Image

2011-08-06T18:06:00.001-07:00

Growing Up

2011-08-06T17:40:00.000-07:00

I took the short ones out for ice cream one night last week... It was a visitation week, but my oldest daughter had already started Band Camp so she wouldn't be coming home with the rest of them and I wanted to kind of check-in on things. So we're sitting around the table, catching up on everyone's adventures since I saw them last, when there's a brief pause in the conversation and #3 says:

"Yeah, Katie's only excited about Band Camp because she gets to spend time with her boyfriend..."

*blink*

Me: Boyfriend, huh?
Katie: This is NOT how I wanted you to find out. (getting pinker)
Me: Is this the kid you've been emailing with this summer?
Katie: ... Yes. (getting pinker)
Me: Interesting. When did this happen?
Katie: The last day of school (getting pinker)
Me: Huh... soooo what exactly does the whole "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing mean in this instance, exactly?
Katie: Can we discuss this later? Please? (getting pinker)
Me: Yeah... we can discuss this later.

I know it's normal; she is turning 15 this November, after all. And I know she has a good head on her shoulders, and the boy does sound like a good enough kid. (They've been friends for 3 years, know each other through AP classes and band, and have hobbies/interests in common, etc.) But it's my first real exposure to the whole teen dating thing... the oldest hasn't really dated at all [yet], so I've been semi-ignoring the socio-sexual side of things.

To be honest, it's dredging up a few old tapes for me. I didn't date in high school; I was the token innocent virgin in my circle of friends, so I have nothing to measure this stuff against. LOL I want my children to have relationships, and intimate friendships, and safe places to explore - so they won't end up getting married at 20 to the first person who asks, in part of absolve the guilt of enjoying sex so.damn.much. [ahem]

I didn't mention it to her father. I've decided to talk to the oldest two (separately) the next time they're here, to remind them I'm a safe place to go for questions/advice/solutions... and that there will always be a bowl of condoms on the bookshelf - no questions asked.

I officially have two children in high school.

*breathing*

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2011-08-05T08:01:00.000-07:00

Usettled

2011-08-02T20:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't been sleeping well the last few days... a combination of an overly busy brain, stress, heat. Two nights ago it resulted in one of those horrid (but thankfully infrequent) nightmares - the kind where I woke up in the middle of a full blown anxiety attack, convinced the children were dead, the cat lost, rapists hiding under the bed, scared to death I'd not be fast enough to get to the kitchen for a butcher knife to defend myself.An endorphin hit of the wrong sort, one might say.

I still haven't really recovered from it; I just can't seem to shake a vague feeling of fear. I felt it sink into my bones as I waded my way through the chaos, and knew that was going to be one of those stupid dreams - the kind that startle me into panic with triggers and flashbacks when I'm not paying close enough attention. Which I suppose means I now have one more detail of life to pay attention to. Whee.

There are days I wish I had permission to be more fragile than I am...

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2011-08-02T19:59:00.001-07:00

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2011-07-31T08:59:00.001-07:00

Dream

2011-07-29T08:34:00.000-07:00

Waking up this morning was like being pulled out of the most delicious fog. Stiff and sore; wet and aching. Feeling leftovers of the bites at my nape... the rug burn on my elbow... the soreness in my ass.

In that lazy in-between world as the fog burned away, my subconscious pulled me back under; reprimanding me. In reality I squirmed and giggled and said it tickled... in the dream I was bound tight and told to shush. Forced to move past the insistent buzzing of bees with a hand over my mouth, and a voice in my ear reminding me he had permission to take what he wanted. And what he wanted... was this.

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2011-07-29T08:33:00.001-07:00

Growl

2011-07-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

That was pretty much what I remember that being like, except a bit umm... edgier.

I keep pressing on the bite mark where my neck meets my shoulder, wondering how long it will take to bruise.

Vroom!

2011-07-28T18:54:00.000-07:00

I picked up my new car tonight (They shipped it from Florida), and the [very alpha; former Marine] salesman who I've been dealing with the whole time took me for a test drive...

Him: So you're pretty dressed down today!
Me (in overalls): Yeah, I had the day off so I spent the morning cleaning a lover's house. (I didn't really [ahem], but he didn't need to know the details.)
Him: Huh. Boyfriend?
Me: No; lover. I'm way too old for boyfriends.
Him (giving me a long slow look): That was... sweet of you.
Me: Just one of the perks of keeping me around. LOL
Him: Huh... I don't transfer cars in very often.
Me: Thank you for putting up with my stubbornness about this one. I'm totally beyond happy!
Him: Mhmm. Normally I'd put a woman over me knee and spank her into buying off the lot, but you were pretty insistent I transfer this one in.
Me: *snort* Yep. And like I said I love it! I'll totally bring you cookies when I come by to pick up the plates. LOL
Him: Right.. I'd prefer homemade cobbler.
Me: Huh... Noted.

I Really

2011-07-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

... really really really would like today to be Thursday.

With Thursdayness.

That is all.

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2011-07-25T07:15:00.001-07:00

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2011-07-23T06:48:00.001-07:00

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2011-07-22T07:33:00.001-07:00

The Youngest

2011-07-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

I took the kids to a local water park this week, and we spent most of 3 hours in this ginormous wave pool. The kids did the huge inner tube thing; I spent the whole time holding onto the shortest of the short person's float thingie every time they turned on the wave whateveritwas that created all the action. Because the shortest of the short people may be a whole whopping seven years old... but he still looks about four.

*HUGE WAVE HITS*

Youngest: HOLY SHIT!
Me: Son!
Youngest: OOps. Sorry.

*HUGE WAVE HITS*

Youngest: HOLY SHIT!
Me: SON!
Youngest: I mean... THIS IS FREAKING AWESOME!

Kick.Ass

2011-07-18T16:12:00.000-07:00

I just got home from my Honda dealership, where I signed papers this afternoon for a new [to me] Honda Pilot, slated for delivery in the next 2 weeks. (They're having to ship it from out of state.)

Yes, it means I started over on the whole painful 72 month loan thing (same length as the painfully long loan I got on my '07 Pilot in November of 2009), but I...

Kept the same monthly payment
Moved from an '07 to a 2010
Dropped my mileage from 68,700 to 17,700
Went from high-risk 3rd party financing to Honda financing
And dropped my interest rate from [dear gawd] 18% (told ya it was high risk) to 6.7%

I'm thinkin' I managed to come out more ahead more than not... I think.

I got to keep my car for the time being since I pick up kids tomorrow and they didn't have a loaner large enough to fit the entire family, but I'm dropping it off on Friday morning and picking up a dealership courtesy car to drive until mine arrives in a week or two.

:-)

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2011-07-17T19:33:00.001-07:00

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2011-07-16T20:04:00.001-07:00

My Reputation

2011-07-16T19:26:00.000-07:00

... it precedes me.

So a couple of days ago the dealership where I bought my fantabulous Honda Pilot called, asking if I'd be interested in "trading up". I was all "Riiiiiiiiiighhhhhtt....."

Anyway, there was some somethingorother about being low on pre-owned inventory and offering an extra $1k over book on trade ins, and did I know they totally redid the body/blahblahblah on the 2009 models? (I have an '07.) Ehhhhh... maybe. But only if I can either lower or keep the same payment, and get into a newer, lower mileage Pilot.

So the GM of the Pre-Owned section of the dealership and I made a few phone calls back and forth trying to figure out practicalities and such, and then out of the blue he goes:

GM Guy: Why does your name sound so familiar?
Me: Because you helped approve my loan two years ago?
GM Guy: Well, yeah, but there's just... wait. What do you do for a living again?
Me: I'm in sales.
GM Guy: OMG That's RIGHT! You're the one who sells lingerie!
Me: Yes, I'm the chick who pimps lingerie for a living. LOL

More phone calls back and forth...

GM Guy: I knew you sounded familiar.
Me: Yeah men rarely forget me once they find out what I do for a living. LOL
GM Guy: Yeah. Redhead? Tall? Glasses?
Me: Librarian who happens to sell lingerie for a living? Yeah.

So tonight after work I ran up there to test drive the newer Pilot.

Sales Guy: Can I help you?
Me: I need to see the GM.
GM (seeing me walk into the dealership): Hey Monica!
Sales Guy: I guess ___ remembers you?
Me: I can be memorable. LOL
GM: I'm going to have [Sales Guy] take you for a test drive.
Me: Coolio!
Sales Guy (45 seconds into the test drive): Sooooo.... you sell lingerie, eh?
Me: Aaaaaaaand that would be why ___ remembers me.

Yeah.

I've been pre-approved for a new loan (way easier than last time); the dealership is hunting down a 2009 or 2010 Pilot for me. I'm hoping to get into a newer car at a lower (or same) payment, mileage under 30K. I should know by Monday afternoon if they've found anything. That was actually a funny conversation too:

Sales Guy: So what do you want on the Pilot?
Me: A Honda Pilot with low miles, for the same payment I make now - or less - that gets me from point A to point B.
Sales Guy: No, really, what do you want? Color? Leather?
Me: No, really, I want a Honda Pilot with low miles, for the same payment I make now - or less - that gets me from point A to point B. I could give a shit what color it is, or how many bells and whistles it has or whatever. It's a car.
Sales Guy: Wow. Okay... I'll just see what I can find and we'll go from there.

I should have an update by Monday afternoon... :-)

Even

2011-07-15T09:56:00.002-07:00

... I have to admit to a slight feeling of discomfort, when walking into the kitchen and seeing freshly washed/drip drying glass dildos sitting next to the morning's dishes.

They look very out of place.

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2011-07-15T09:56:00.001-07:00

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2011-07-14T09:33:00.001-07:00

Huh...

2011-07-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

Stubborn sexual ethics might actually have a beneficial place in the world.

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2011-07-12T06:55:00.001-07:00

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2011-07-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

The Kinky Prude

My BFF is Evil

Mah-Nam-a-Nah

Not a Fan

THANK YOU LINGERIE FAIRIES!

Kind +1

Kind

I Love

Really Tired, Slightly Tipsy, and Extrordinarliy Proud

Baggage

Friday

Running

I suspect

Selfish

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!

Ch-cha-chaaaaaaaaaaange!

*

Long Week

Blessings

Santa Suit Ain't Red This Year

Oops

Boredom

That

Ranty Rant Rant

Pictures

Smells

Hermitage

I just had a font-gasm.

"Work"

*headdesk*

I Miss Lingerie

Outnumbered

Words.

Breathing

Stop Gap

Glorious Advisors...

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Randomness

There's the spot...

Reason 10,000,000,003 that I love my children

Occupy Wha???

YeGods

Sad Panda is Sad...

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I Am...

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Buzz

Dinner

Finally!

Hoo. Ray.

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Hysteria

Rabbitus Domesticus

Deep Contented Sigh

Oh yes... the ass? I kick it.

Anxiety & Value

*Shaking My Head*

I did a thingie...

The Craziness of My Days...

Twins

*Slow Burn*

That Was Interesting...

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Cookiecookiecookie

Abnormal

Trying

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Fascinatingly Normal

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How To Undress

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Growing Up

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Usettled

headdesk

Shaking My Head

Slow Burn